Hello to all the Pastafaris out there. Believe it or not, I got up in the morning today, saw some religious people post grand pronouncements in atheist blogs which pissed me off and I wanted to post some choice atheist revelations of my own. But to my horror I realized there were only a very few grand pronouncements for Pastafaris. Let's face it, even though the Gospel of the FSM is the utter truth, it is based upon refutation and it does not really contain the grand language of revelation. While thinking about it, I felt the noodly appendage of the FSM upon my head and lo! behold the miracle: the Pastavad was revealed in a few hours.

I am certain this document will now equip all Pastafaris with powerfully grand pronouncements to throw at false believers. Indeed this text contains secrets about the universe that was known to Pirates since thousands of years but they were suppressed by the followers of heretical beliefs given their dominance over Pirates. As revealed to me by the FSM, he had already given this text to ancient Pirates but the Hare Krishnas, completely suppressed it and stole parts of it to name it the Bhagavad Gita. But since the coming of Henderson, this knowledge is again coming into light and I hope to see intelligent commentary about the content of these revelations. It is a wonder that the text talked about advanced theories like the earth being round and string theory 5,000 years ago. Now which other false holy book can claim such knowledge? I am sure supporters will find more truths in it as they dig into its real meanings.

In the beginning before there was light,                                                1.0
His Noodlyness, the FSM burned bright.                                                   1.1

With noodly appendages and two giant balls,                                      1.2
Appear the world and stars, he calls.                                                      1.3

And lo! thus appeared the heavens and the skies                         1.4

And all that in this noodly universe which flies                           1.5

The sun, the moon and the earth,                                                                   1.6
Everything, all the universe, was given
birth.                                                  1.7

In appendage strings is it held together                                                  1.8
Everything's made to float happy like a feather                                 1.9

The sun and the planets resemble his balls                                          2.0
His divine appendages affirm nothing falls.                                         2.1

With his holy appendages all he holds                                                    2.2
If ye believe in Gravity, ye shall be in hell’s folds                                     2.3


Creation of Woman/Man

After the creation of the skies, his Noodlyness decides                          2.4
Earth it shall be where life resides                                                                 2.5

He creates all creatures, the dino to bact.                                                2.6
And last of all he creates woman, to sign the pact.                                     2.7

First the FSM creates the woman                                                                 2.8
And out of her birth canal emerges the man                                           2.9

This is the way it shall always be                                                                3.0
The one who claims otherwise shall answer to me                                 3.1

So before there was Adam, there was Eve                                               3.2
If ye don’t believe, ye shall receive the FSM’s hefty heave                         3.3

Thy duty is to be joyful and party on Earth                                                  3.4
And fill this round world with joy and mirth                                                 3.5

Ye shall live your lives as pirates jolly                                                        3.6
Veereest thou from that path, it is utter folly                                             3.7

Eat the good pasta thou shalt every day                                                     3.8
And this command every pirate must obey                                               3.9

If thou veerest, thy judgment shall be                                                          4.0
In pirate hell shall I condemn thee                                                                 4.1

This pact I have imposed on you                                                                 4.2
And if ye disobey, in the fires of hell ye shall stew                                 4.3

As confirmation of thy pact I shall brand                                           4.4
All your DNA like my noodly strand                                                            4.5

And false evidence everywhere shall I put of evolution                         4.6
But true believers know only I am the solution                                         4.7



Thus boomed the FSM to Eve and Adam                                                                    4.8
So they partied, and lots of children, they had ‘em                                                    4.9

With the ingredients of the good earth they brewed beer                                               5.0
And as the FSM commanded, it would bring good cheer                                               5.1

So as pirates they lived, with strippers and the good beer                                             5.2
Much afraid of the FSM’s wrath, should they from the true path veer                      5.3

But as time went by, people began to forget                                                                5.4
And false gods, angels and prophets they did beget                                              5.5

First came Noah who by the pirates was smote                                                             5.6
But then came Hari Krishnas in their boat                                                                     5.7

For years the chosen people did they persecute                                                           5.8
Till all the true pirates became mute                                                                                5.9

The true ones were hunted and held in spite                                                                   6.0
That is why they chose to be out of sight.                                                                        6.1

False pirates were planted in perversion                                                                        6.2
To mislead believers and create blasphemous diversion                                     6.3

And finally this did incur the FSM’s wrath                                                                      6.4
For the people had forgotten their chosen path                                                       6.5

Sent he war, quake, famine and flood                                                                            6.6
The whole earth to be covered with blood                                                                     6.7

Only when true pirates trembled and prayed, He gave a sign                                     6.8
And sent his Noodlyness to Earth, a prophet most benign                                        6.9

John Henderson was called he                                                                                 7.0
If thy follow him, heaven is assured thee                                                                             7.1

Read his gospel, follow his truth and light                                                                           7.2
And after death ye shall see heaven’s true sight                                                                 7.3

Be thou male or female, goest thou to heaven                                                                         7.4
Volcanoes of beer, sexy strippers seventy seven                                                                7.5

And as for the strippers of Bobby Henderson,                                                                             7.6
When he descendeth above, they’ll have the boobs of Pamela Anderson                                 7.7

So beware ye, the power of the FSM and repent                                                                                7.8
Live thy life a jolly pirate, a life well spent.                                                                                     7.9

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    One day I was suddenly touched by the FSM and I created this blog to spread the good news.


    April 2012